Yikes. The title of this blog post almost immediately gives me mom guilt. You know the kind where I am afraid of what other people are thinking when they read or hear such a thing? Because I know I should be 'that mom' who is always so happy and loves everyone and everything ALL. THE TIME. Oh, wait, that is not me.
Having three children it is amusing to me how different they all are, even though they share the exact same parents and live in the exact same conditions. I am not a pushover mom. I am a mom with rules. I am not crazy strict, but I say "no" to my kids and I have no remorse about it. I am cool with having rules because I think my kids need limits. Hey, if you don't like limits and you like to do the free range parenting, you do you, no judgement from me, but rules are my jam. I'm not talking about everyone march to and from your destination or iron your underwear. I am talking about chores around the house and manners.
Remember having one child? When you are SOOOO busy, no one else on the planet could ever be busier than you? Ever?! That was a good time. Looking back on that now I giggle thinking about what a schmuck I was. I should've relished all the time I had to spend with my one human. I actually was able to spend a lot of time with him. I don't remember him ever being out of control. He was busy, but he understood the concept of no.
The next child (I don't like to say second or middle because, well, labels) obviously didn't get all the one on one time that the first did but things didn't seem wild or crazy. Things got busier and again, this one understood the word no.
Then we come to the caboose. This one is a wild card. I have heard "oh, it's because he's the baby" 1,347,896 times. Yes. Yes, he is 'the baby.' He is the final chapter of the Having Children Saga. However, this guy hears the word no, a lot. Maybe more than the bigs. And guess what....he doesn't give a damn if you tell him no. He basically looks right through me and calls me Sara Baby. Oh, sometimes it's cute. Haha, oh the silly thing that little cutie says. And then other times, not so much.
Let me set the scene. We were at a YMCA basketball game on Saturday. The dad is coaching the oldest. The next child is sitting nicely on the bench watching the game. Hmm, then there's 'the baby.' I go and sit by his friends and their family so he is entertained. Thinking, he will for sure be happy to be by his friends. Wrong. So, the next trick in my book is snacks. I'm already annoyed I am at this point because I have never been one to give snacks or hand a kid my phone to entertain them. The snack works just for a bit. It was trail mix. A nice mix of salty and sweet. Hmm, funny, sounds like I am describing 'the baby.' Anyway, I am going real slow with the trail mix. Peanut, cashew, chocolate, raisin, almond.....then there was several nuts....and then he got annoyed. Wasn't going to eat anything other than the chocolate. Well, I wasn't going to let him control me! No, mam! So I said, you're done. Naturally in between eating the snacks he is up and down off the bleachers, out on the court, not interested at all in sitting still. Let's try the phone! That was also short lived. Showing him photos of cute cats really only goes so long since I am not the mom who has games or movies or anything fun on her phone.
I looked to the mom next to me and I said "Sometimes I don't like him. I love him. But sometimes...."
Who am I?! Telling someone I don't like my son?! As the words came out of my mouth I almost cringed. But, I do not like when my kids are out of control. I don't like when my kids don't listen. Again, I didn't need him to sit there with perfect posture and golf clap during the basketball game. I needed him to chill the (blank) out so I could watch the game! I just wanted him to hang out. Be a kid, color, play with friends. I don't like having the kid that is out of control or acts like a jerk. No one likes that. I don't want people to be raising their eyebrows at my parenting style (not that I care what other people think but dang it!!!!) or get to their car and say "How about the kid who was out of control?"
I relayed this story to Ryan. I had the mom guilt. I told someone I didn't like my precious baby! Ryan flat out tells me that I should have used different words than that. So, naturally, I talk about this situation to other moms. And, guess what?! I am not alone!!!
There is really no possibly way I could love my children more than I do. But some days..... I guess I just need to accept that all children are different, even when raised under the same circumstances with the same parents. I also need to accept that this is a phase, it won't last long. I also need to accept I have a threenager and as much as he might drive me crazy some days, I love him to pieces and inevitably I will be an emotional wreck when he turns four, even though that may mean he will listen just a little bit better.